Does this poem work better in third person?

Not Yet





He gently caressed her that night.


She turned, and looked, and held him tight,


Seemingly, love once again true,


As they had grown accustomed to.


鈥?That evening, they didn鈥檛 fight.





Affection merely bound daylight.


Nightfall carried feigned dreams from sight.


Away his thoughts and feelings flew.


鈥?.He gently caressed her.





She understood a fresh delight.


She sympathized his feverish plight.


New women making their debut,


She was not ready for: we鈥檙e through.


Old flames can once again ignite,


鈥?.He gently caressed her.Does this poem work better in third person?
Dah, This one came out brilliant !


You are growing into the words and using them profitably.


I Really really like it this way.


Save it.


Mark it


Finished.





Great Read...


Great Right !Does this poem work better in third person?
me thinks this works better. this way you helped me [as a reader] concentrate on poem [the theme,, the characters,, and the event] rather than the poet. your presence was as a [passive] narrator,, not as an actual doer. moreover,, it seems more realistic,, but that is only my opinion., you are the poet,, you know better.





good write ms. dahha. ty.
It works well in the third person, and good word play and rhyming.


and uncomfortably speaks truth. Well done.
this touches me deep down ,full of sensuous lines.describes exactly the way women would want her man to handle her.





this will work any way you write
It speaks well. When the music is over, she will turn out the lights.
It works very well! Super nice write!!
I didn't see the other version, but this is a keeper!
looks like.....





....they need firewood too....